Scotland the damp

Tommy Sheridan guilty in sheep shafting case

2011-01-04T14:20:00.000-08:00

Salacious Pic of Sheep Bottoms ( all models over 18 yrs old)

The good people of Glenbogle were in a state of shock today when the jury in the trial of Community Councillor Tommy "three reds in a bed" Sheridan delivered a guilty verdict. The long running trial at Glenbogle District Court has been the talk of the village for days. Our contempt for the court has prevented this blog from commenting in detail on the case until now but today we can reveal the full sordid details.

The case against Sheridan followed a major Glenbogle police investigation into rural sheep trafficking.

Tommy Sheridan and Gail Sheridan- the charges
Sheridan was initially brought to court facing 397 separate charges covering incidents ranging back to when he was seven years old and told his mum "a big boy did it". As the trial progressed the prosecutor Mr Prentice dropped a number of charges against Tommy Sheridan. The Jury was eventually asked to consider only ten of the original 397 charges and brought in guilty verdicts on three.

In a surprise move all charges against fragrant and lovely "Gail Sheridan", who was originally charged under her legal name of Red Sonia, were dropped shortly before the jury returned their verdict. The judge Mr Fumbly Braccadale in discharging Gail Sheridan remarked how beautiful and fragrant she was and said that because of this she was obviously innocent of any wicked doings now or in the future.

Police Interview of Gail Sheridan
There has been particular controversy over a video tape of the police interviews of Gail Sheridan. We reproduce a short transcipt of the interview here for the prurient edification of our readers.

In the video Gail Sheridan can be seen banging her head on the cell wall and fumbling with the safety catch on her AK-47 while singing the "The wearing of the green". (During the interview the policeman refers to Gail Sheridan by her legal name)

Transcript of the Sheridan Police Interview Videotape
Detective:- "Red Sonia - I put it to you that I find your behaviour strangely attractive and fragrant. I served for three years in the Orange Lodge division of Glenbogle Police and I have to say that I find your behaviour reminds me of the sort of thing that Catholics are trained to do to resist interogation."
Sheridan then continues banging her head on the wall while fingering her magazine.

Scotland the Damp has been told that the Provisional IRA has now lodged a complaint with Glenbogle police claiming that the Police approach to the interview was oppressive and that comparing Red Sonia to a Catholic showed that the police are still tinged with discriminatory attitudes towards violent revolutionary nationalist Irishmen.

Tommy Sheridan - the sexy bits
During the course of the trial the court heard how Sheridan had attended an infamous "sheep party" at a local farmhouse. One witness told how she attended the party thinking it was a visit of the local WRI. She opened the door to one room and claimed that she saw Sheridan standing there in his thong watching another man "dipping" a sheep.

The court also heard that Sheridan had travelled south with a number of other sheep lovers where they were alleged to have attended a "farmers market". One witness alleged that Sheridan at one point "went out for a pizza".

Tommy Sheridan - the confession video
The court was shown a video which was secretly filmed by Sheridans best friend George McNeilage. In the video Sheridan can be clearly heard impersonating local entertainer Des MaClean. In the video Sheridan gives a rendition of "I did it my way". Sheridan claimed that this proved that it could not be him on the video because he only ever sings in the shower and doesn't like Frank Sinatra.

Tommy Sheridan - the case for the defence
Sheridan called three witnesses to try to support his contention that the alleged video confession was either really him or not him. The three witnesses all agreed with this version. On cross examination each witness claimed that "Tommy only sings in the shower".

Sheridan claimed overall that he was the victim of political machinations by an anarchist group within the community council who had conspired with the Washington Post and the Illuminati to spread false stories that he was a "sheep lover". Clearly the Jury did not believe his explanations.

In his summing up speech which lasted 15 hours Sheridan simply repeated over and over "For Gods sake I know I did it and you know I did it so I'm scared to death that you'll find me guilty".

The judges summing up
The judge The Lord Fumbly Braccadale of Ewes-Bottom farm Glenbogle told the jury that they should carefully consider the evidence that they had heard before finding Sheridan guilty. He warned the jury that they were only to consider the evidence and not to consider any matters to do with the morality of sheep farming or sheep fancying.

Sentencing
Lord Braccadale deferred sentencing until after Christmas to ensure that there was sufficient time for gossip about Sheridan's sexual attractiveness to sheep to fully circulate around the village.

Gail stands behind her man
Fragrant and lovely Gail Sheridan bravely stood behind her man outside the court after the verdict was delivered.

She said "I have always stood with Tommy and even though he is a lying two timing sheep fancier I always will stand behind him and he'll be quite safe as long as he doesn't walk near cliff edges or stand near busy traffic"

Grounds for Appeal by Tommy Sheridan
As we went to press we heard that Sheridan will be appealing the verdict on the grounds that some witnesses who would have provided proof of the conspiracy failed to turn up. In particular Sheridan will claim that the owner of the Investigation company Web Enforcement Inc. "Mad" Mick Murphy was employed by this blog to hack into Sheridan's private life under instructions from the foreign owner of Adverts International who sponsors this blog.

How ye can ken the Scottish ken

2010-03-22T18:13:00.000-07:00

Aw ye really need tae ken the scottish word ken is that it's no meaning ken like you think ye ken it means - ken whit Im saying? I ken that ye probably ken a ken or maybe even twae. But it's no those kind o' kens ye ken. No ye ken its mair like ye just ken whit ken means. If someone really has tae explain ken tae ye then its richt sure that ye dinnae ken much.

So if ye came tae this wee blog here tae ken aw aboot ken then jist read this a couple or twae times and ye'll soon get the ken o ken.

Scottish Government Budget deal agreed

2009-02-03T10:33:00.000-08:00

Crime report: The SNP Scottish Government Gang today agreed a "budget deal" with the rival Liberal Democrats gang. There had been much wrangling in recent weeks about how the money that the gang have stolen from taxpayers should be divided up.

The Scottish Liberal Democrats who are led by Tavish "Bugsy" Scott wanted an agreement that the gangs would jointly be able to ~~steal~~ borrow more money ~~from~~"on behalf" of Scottish Taxpayers. Word on the streets was that the SNP leadership under Priminster Lex Salmond and his two sidekicks Bonnie "The Sturgeon" Parker and Clyde "Swinney" Barrow were concerned that the heat was on due to their previous raids on taxpayers and that the gangs should lay low for a while.

At one stage there was talk that the gangs who had come together under the umbrella of the "Scottish Government" were prepared to go to the mattresses and see their disagreement result in an Election. It seems however that none of the gangs really had a taste or were prepared for a major bloodletting at this time. Their fear was that the Scottish Taxpayers who were fed up of being fleeced by these gangsters would fight back and that there would be blood at the ballot boxes.

So for now it seems that the gangs involved have managed to agree an uneasy truce. The Scottish Labour gang who once ruled the territory are still mostly in hiding and licking their wounds after previous Electoral battles. Although they gunned down the SNP opposition at the most recent by election battle they still don't have the taste for full scale street fighting.

So, for now, the loosely knit association of political gangs known as the Scottish Parliament continues to operate. The Scottish Taxpayers are closing in on them though and one day this bunch of crooks will be brought to justice.

Frazer Writely
Scottish Crime and Politics Correspondent.

Scottish Weather Forecast for 2009

2009-01-25T04:45:00.000-08:00

We have just received this long range weather forecast for Scotland for 2009 from Ian Maheid at the Inverlochlochan Weather Station.

January 2009 - Wet and rainy with snow hail and sleet. Cold Winds.
February 2009 - Rainy wet stuff with chilly gales and hail
March 2009 - Mair rain n wet stuff with clouds and stormy breezes
April 2009 - Wet and not quite freezing
May 2009 - Monday 23rd May is forecast to be slightly overcast. Otherwise as before
June 2009 - Scottish summertime starts. Wet cold and windy.
July 2009 - Scottish Holiday season. Slightly less cold lashing doon wi' rain.
August 2009 - Wet and Midgie
September 2009 - Start of Tattiebogle season. Wet.
October 2009 - Freezing hail wi' rain 'n' windy cloud thingies.
December 2009 - Snow 'n' rain 'n' sleet 'n' clouds.

Ian Mahead points out that as for 2008 the 2009 forecast clearly appears to indicate further warming of the Scottish climate consistent with Global warming.

Police act on Scottish rural prostitution

2009-01-09T17:43:00.000-08:00

As part of the Scottish Government initiative against prostitution Scottish police forces have launched a massive blitz against rural sheep prostitution.

Inspector Taggart of Girvan Valley Police explained that the initiative had been launched with high profile raids on shops selling wellington boots under the counter and that they were now moving street sheep prostitutes away from their usual haunts.

In the accompanying picture Inspector Taggart can be seen rounding up street prostitutes in the red light area of Glenbogle and moving them away from the bus stops where they ply their trade.

According to Inspector Taggart, "Many of these street sheep prostitutes have been forced into this activity against their will. Most of them would be much happier just wandering around in the fields. But they are forced into this work by farmers who make them hang around bus stops offering naughty services to men."

First Priminster Lex Salmond ( Scottish Nits party) who was recently photographed hanging around a bus stop after the buses had stopped running for the evening has told newspaper reporters that he was simply "waiting for a taxi". He insists that he fully supports the campaign to stop Scottish rural street sheep prostitution.

Mr Salmond also claims that the Sheep prostitution problem is the result of the union of the Scottish and English parliament which led to the loss of Scottish Independence. He claims that "In an Independent Scotland Scottish men would not need to resort to such sordid practices. I have nothing against England or the English but this is their fault."

Mr Sherridan of the Scottish Republican Soviet Socialist Stalinist Party of Scotland (Provisional) has in the past claimed that the problem of sheep prostitution is "part of the proletarian struggle against the oppressive capitalist/syndicalist/imperialist war conglomerate and will be resolved by the dictatorship of the proletariat led by the revolutionary vanguard." He has not been available for further comment however as he is currently appearing in a reality TV show and is awaiting the outcome of a police perjury investigation.

Scottish Maths exam papers

2007-04-08T07:17:00.000-07:00

GLASGOW REGION EXAM PAPER

Name...........................................
Nickname......................................
Gangname..............

Q1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine to sell. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?

Q2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at £3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single?

Q3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?

Q4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000on on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

Q5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have?

EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?

-----------------------------------------------------------------
EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION EXAM PAPER

Name..........................................

Rugby Club..................................

Daddy's Company.........................

Q1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The FestivalFringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?

Q2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flatmate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

Q3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as EdinburghCastle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate of Scotland?

Q4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?

Q5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?

------------------------------------------------------------------
HIGHLANDS REGION EXAM PAPER

Name..................................

Glen...................................

Clan ...............................

Q1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle Estate. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 per acre for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?

Q2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks aTartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take the Tartan Shop to sell him a full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?

Q3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised? (Bonus for 5 marks - If a sheepshagger takes three shakes of a lambs tale to shag three sheep how long does the ram take to mount mary?)

Q4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27 lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!

Fae Shad

Y' ken yer Scottish if........

2007-04-08T07:07:00.000-07:00

Are You Scottish?

You know you are a true Scot if.........

1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St, St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.

2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.

3. Yer used tae fowr seasons in wan day.

4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop wee'oot sleverin when yer blootert.

5. Ye kin fa aboot pished wee'oot spilling yer drink.

6. Ye see people wearin shell suits wi burberry accessories - pure class!

7. Ye measure distance in minutes.

8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and ken characters just like him, in yer ain femily.

9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.

10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.

11. Ye ken whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.

12. Somedy ye ken his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.

13. You've been at a wedding an fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel

14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, iron-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.

15. Yer holiday hame at the seaside has calor gas uner it.

6. Ye ken irn-bru is a hangover cure.

17. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.

18. Ye actually understaun this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals .

19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these words;

how's it hingin, clatty, boggin, cludgie, pished, get it up ye, wee beasties, erse bandit, amurny, away an bile yer heid, peely-wally, humphey backit, Ba'-heid, baw bag, dubble nugget.

And finally......

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, whar the butcher has jist came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire.

The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"

"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'.

:-) Thanks to Shad7547 ( and there's mair comin')

Scots Dr's in Diet Breakthrough

2007-03-15T18:13:00.000-07:00

Picture: Mrs Mary McGlumph celebrates the success of the new diet which Scots doctors have developed.

Scots doctors are celebrating the success of a new diet and exercise regime developed at the University of Maryhill, Glasgow.

Fish Oils

The diet which has been under development for five years is based on the traditional Scottish diet and involves the consumption of copious amounts of Iron brew and "fish suppers". The doctors claim that the fish oils in the diet are the main key to its success.

Dr Jinty McMcMucksen, Head of the Dept of Nutrition at Maryhill University, said;

"Ye ken frae her picture that wee Mary is jist a wee slip o' a thing noo. Its all doon tae frying the Fish suppers in lard 'n gettin rid o' aw thae new fangled vegetables 'n that."

Diet improves sex life

The regime developed by the doctors also included a requirement for regular exercise involving a technique called "one legged leg push ups". This is demonstrated by trim Mrs Mary McGlumph in the accompanying picture.

Mrs McGlumph says she is delighted with the results and that her sex life has improved as well.

"Oor Tam disnae bother asking for sex noo cos he says I'm tae skinny so he's taken up wi' that fat slag doon the road which suits me fine cos I'd rather watch the telly."

Mrs McGlumph who is 21 says she has lost 1st 3 oz during the five years she has been on the new diet exercise regime.

The Highland Games: Tossers and shoogling.

2007-03-13T02:39:00.000-07:00

(Notice that this man has an unusually large caber. Scotsmen are famous for the size of their cabers and must toss them regularly)

The Highland Scotsman takes three things very seriously, drinking whisky, religion and taking part in the Annual Highland Games. (Oh and Shinty of course but we'll look at that another time)

So when the Highlander arrives home in the wee small hours of the morning smelling the worse for drink his wife is seldom surprised when she hears the excuse "I was just away tossing my caber". She must bear this with fortitude for she knows that her husband must be a regular tosser if he is to hold his end up in the annual highland games caber tossing competition.

Highland Games Historical Origins
The tossing of the caber is of course only one of a number of events at the annual Highland Games gathering which is held in each village in the Highlands during the Autumn months.

The historical origins of these games is illustrative of the roots of many Scottish cultural practices. They have their origins in preparation for battle - for the Scots are of course a warrior race who formed the backbone of the British Army as it forged an Empire.

In the "Olden Days" (I use the definition here first set out by McGlump and McGlinty in their seminal book "Auld Scots Folk culture: Before the telly came aboot" Published by McSporran Press 1991) it was important that the Highlander was kept in a state of readiness for battle so that his clan chief ( The big Yin) could call on him at a moments notice. This was then the original purpose of the Highland games.

The other main events at the annual games are hurling the shot and dancing roond swords. Let us look briefly at the role each of these events originally played in preparing the Scot for battle.

Hurling the Shot.
This event is perhaps easiest to interpret in respect of its relevance to martial skills.

First, one must understand that the Highland Scots were, in the "Olden Days", rather poor and not many of the Big Yins could afford to purchase proper cannon to fight the English. But of course without cannon the Scots would have been at a disadvantage in their yearly battles with the English Army so the Big Yins set their best thinkers to try to resolve the problem.

The Scots are famed for being an inventive, practical and mechanically minded race so it was not long before the Clan scientists came back with a solution to the problem.

"We'll tak a wee bit wire and kinda tie it roond the cannonball like this see. Then we'll get Jimmy tae kinda swing it roond his heid and then letit go tae F**k at thae English bastards like."

Problem solved. The only drawback of course was that your average Scottish "cannoneer" could not achieve the distance that the English artillery was able to manage. As a result the Scottish cannoneer had to get close to the English lines before he was within throwing distance. The life expectancy of Scottish cannoneers was as a result not very long.

Dancing roond the swords, 'n kilts 'n aw that.

To really understand the origins of dancing roond swords you should read our post on the Scottish midgie so that you understand the role of this wee bastard of a beastie in the creation of Scottish manhood.

As we revealed in a previous article there is an intricate relationship between the wearing of the kilt, the midgie and being "a man" in Scotland.

Long ago in clan times the Big Yins (Clan chiefs) had to find some way to get their men all fired up for battle. As any Scottish man knows, when you are wearing the kilt and shoogle about this is like a red rag to a bull for the local midgies. The shoogling of the kilt sends a waft of testicular odours out on the breeze and the local midgies home in on this likes sharks on blood scented water. The midgie likes nothing better than snacking on Scottish dangly bits.

The shoogling Scotsman quickly discovers that his testicles are being bitten by thousands of blood sucking midgies and boy DOES THIS GET HIM MAD. He is at this point ready to blame any nearby Englishman ( See the entry on Scotlands second favourite sport: Blaming the English).

So, knowing this, the chiefs began the custom of having their men shoogle around in their kilts before a battle. To give the whole exercise some cover they had the men put their swords on the ground and dance around them. Hence Scottish highland dancing.

More soon.

Have you slapped the Ned?

2007-03-05T08:56:00.000-08:00

One of the delights awaiting the visitor to the West of Scotland is those annoying Ned idiots who hang around drinking buckfast wine and making everyones life a misery. Well as we browsed around the internet we came across a great site where you can get your own back. Just follow this link and Slap The Ned

Old Joe

2007-01-20T08:39:00.001-08:00

Bill has been working his ass off lately and becoming very stressed out. Finally Bill couldn’t take it anymore so he called his psychiatrist and said he was stressed out and fixing to jump out the window to end it all.

The doctor calmed him down and said "Look Bill you take a break, go to my cabin in Alaska I'll make reservations on a flight to Alaska right now."

So Bill took the plane to Alaska.

He was in the town to get supplies when he saw a bar. Bill went in looked around the bar and hollered "Wheres all the women at"?
The bartender said "What women there ain’t no women around here"!

"Gimme a beer" said Bill.

Sitting at the bar he asked "What do y’all do when you want some"?

The Bartender replied, "Oh we just go see ole Joe about that".

Bill said "I can’t do that"!

Dissapointed, Bill finished his beer, got his supplies and went up to the cabin . There he fished and hunted and sang to himself and the weeks went by.

Running out of supplies he went back down to the town and stopped in at the bar where he hollered "Wheres all the women at"?

The Bartender replied "I told you already there ain’t no women around here, we go and see ole Joe"!

Bill ordered a beer and nursed it for a bit then he looked up to the bartender and asked

"Supposing I was,well..., you know.... but I’m not like that! Who all would have to know"?

The bartender thought for a minute and said;
" Five. There's you and me of course. Then there's the two other guys that have to hold ole Joe down because ole Joe ain’t like that either!

From the Jokes Forum at ournet.tv bulletin board

Bring oor Pluto planet back!

2006-08-25T16:59:00.000-07:00

Whit a stramash it was! Those bastards at the International Astronomical Union (IAU) after arguing among themselves have robbed us of one of our planets. We had nine and now we got eight. it sbloody daylight robbery, well night time robbery - you know what I mean. Before you could look up at the starry night and there was Pluto. Of course I couldn't have told you where exactly but it was there. I'd learnt it.
Now the IAU are calling it a dwarf planet. Whatever happened to political correctness? They should have called it a curcumferentially challenged planet really. Or voluminously disabled perhaps. Dwarf sounds kind of brutal as though were making fun of it. Poor Pluto. The Scottish night sky will never be the same.
And now comes the news that Plutonian representatives here on Earth are set to sue the IAU - yes I kid you not. Read it here

Technorati tag [Pluto]

Software problems?

2006-04-11T04:56:00.000-07:00

Technical support; please help!
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2004. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself. Help requested please?

re: Dear Technical Support - I also have Wife 1.0 but you should be aware that FreeSexPlus is limited to a 30-day trial and after that you have to buy RedLight 2.0 which is very expensive. Also it's almost impossible to get hold of RL2 as Wife 1.0 hogs all the bandwidth. Cleanhouse 2004 is shareware and the only way to keep it going is to do your share or you get inundated with nag-screens.

re: Dear Technical Support - What you need to do, obviously, is obtain a couple of key software packages, that can help alleviate your problem.

The first is DogWalk 3.2, which can be used to re-activate LadsNight Out, Although you need to be running MobilePhoneBatteryFailure 1.4, in order for this to work properly. The second is GardenShedTools 5, which will enable the continued use of Playboy 6.9 and even Razzle 8, although trying to use ReadersWivesSpecial 4.3 could lead to your hardware being infected by the AmINotEnoughForYou worm.

Last, but not least, is BeautySallonVoucher 7, which, if run regularly, can clear up a whole host of other issues, such as TurboStop and Whinge, and can lead to enhanced FreeSexPlus and FavouriteDinner 2.3. With regular updates, you may even find that Football 4.5 works, although overuse is not recommended. BeautySallonVoucher 7 is expensive, however, but well worth the investment. Especially as most people tell me that SayingILoveYouRegularly 10.6 is now so unreliable as to be downright dangerous.

Hope all this helps, and that your hardware and software can remain trouble-free; although as we all know, when Wife 1.0 is involved, nothing is guaranteed.

Who said....

2006-03-22T12:35:00.000-08:00

This was sent in by Shad7547

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday." Wee Jock (a typical Scottish twang) thinks, "Ya bassa. Ah'm pure brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me.' Teacher: "Right class , who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?' Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. Teacher: Yes, Jeremy." Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960." Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday." The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined. Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'" Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss." Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."
Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: " Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday." The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation. Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?" Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss,meeeeee!" Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent: "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, The first moon landing." Teacher: Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."
Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Where the f**K did all these English b*st*rds come from?" Teacher looking round the class: "Who the hell said that?" Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746.

See yous on Tuesday."

A brief guide to Scottish Religion

2006-03-08T02:07:00.000-08:00

The history of religion in Scotland has been driven by the impulse to divide and split into sects.
Religious people in Scotland are broadly divided into three religious sects the "Tims", the "Blue Noses" and "Pakis and Chinkies".
Now let us be clear on one thing first - your average Scot in considering the third group has no intention of being racist or discriminatory. It is simply difficult for the average Scot to understand that anyone does not fall into either the "Tim" sect or the "Blue Nose" sect and so there is then the tendancy to lump everyone else together into one group. As your average Scots exposure to people of other cultures is for many limited to going for an Indian or a Chinese meal then the tendency arises to lump all such people together.

Essentially the "Tims" are considered by the "Blue Noses" to all be descended from "ignorant Irish immigrants" who came across at the time of the potato famine in Ireland. The "Blue Noses" consider themselves to be the defenders of true Scottish culture against such Heathen barbarian invaders. The fact that both sects are in fact Christian (supposedly) is for both sides neither here nor there.

Now for the most part the Tims consider the Blue noses to be heretics from the true faith ( Catholicism) and have a great problem in understanding why the Blue noses profess to be "loyalists". Loyalists in this context means that the Blue noses say that they are loyal to the "Crown" - which is of course the monarch of the United Kingdom. Tims suspect that because of this "loyalism" the Blue noses are not true Scots as of course in their eyes no true Scot would admit to liking or supporting anything which has its base in England. ( Some Tims are in fact known to be genetically incapable of uttering the word English without spluttering).

It should be said at this point that these Scottish religious attitudes find their full flowering in the West of Scotland around Glasgow.

Advice to travellers: If you want to have some fun with a Scotsman from the west of Scotland - when he asks you what religion you are ( and he will, or he may ask you which school you went to - which to him means the same thing) tell him you are an atheist. This does not compute for him. He is likely then to ask if you are a catholic atheist or a protestant atheist. If you persist and reply neither don't be surprised if he then asks you for a chicken fried rice or a curry.

Scottish Diet - the haggis

2006-02-27T08:45:00.000-08:00

Ah the haggis! - "great chieftain o the puddin race" as my great ancestor the poet Rabbie Burns wrote. There is little that can compare to the smell and taste of a plate of steaming haggis, tatties and neeps on a cold January evening. It is at such moments that the Scotsman, tucking into his favourite meal, with a wee dram in his glass and watching the "wifie" shoveling coal on the fire, is in true Scottish heaven.

There have been many false stories circulated about the haggis. These are mostly spread by Scottish butchers ruthlessly trying to guard the secret of this famous dish. Well just like the masked magician revealed all those magic secrets we will today fearlessly reveal the truth behind the haggis.

Foreigners are frequently told that the haggis is a three legged beastie that runs around the Scottish hills (in only one direction because of its odd number of legs) and that Scotsmen go on haggis hunts to catch them. Many foreigners believe such romantic stories but we can assure you that there is not a grain of truth in that story. In fact it is the little known "tattieboggle" that has three legs and runs around the hills. Scotsmen do go hunting the tattieboggle but not for the table because they are such poor eating.

No the haggis is in plain and simple terms a stuffed sheep's stomach. Now you may wonder what the big secret is at this point. Well the art and the mystery lies in how the sheep's stomach is stuffed. Let me take you through the technique point by point.

First of all the tastiest haggis is always made from a wild sheep's stomach. So the first thing is to make sure you have a wild sheep. Usually a couple of swipes across the face with a brush handle makes them pretty wild but the method is not important.

Having got your wild sheep it is then vital to ensure that none of the valuable stuffing is wasted once you start. Personally I would recommend a rubber bung but traditional recipes call for a cork bung.

You should recruit some friends for the insertion of the bung because at this point if the sheep was not already wild it will be by the time you have finished.

It is very very very important that the bung is well secured as the last thing you want is the bung working loose and popping out over the coming weeks. I recommend some ordinary garden wire for this. Make a hole in the top of the bung then, having inserted the bung at the rear, bring the wire forward and tie it tightly to the sheep's horns.

Now having secured your wild and fully bunged sheep we come to the stuffing. Let me be very clear on one point here. I am absolutely not talking about the kind of sheep stuffing that takes place on Valentines day in some of the more remote farmhouses in Scotland.

We are talking about force feeding the sheep. The wifie should now proceed to boil up at least two large bowls of oatmeal each day into which should be chopped any leftovers from the evening meal. Allow to cool a little and then force it down the sheep's throat. It is not uncommon for the sheep to proceed to tenderise its own meat at this point by running up and down the kitchen banging into the walls.

Some friends of mine like that slightly "smoked" flavour to their haggis. If this is your preference then you should take the sheep with you to the nearest bar each evening. For an extra touch the sheep can be given cheese and onion crisps for that cheesy haggis flavour. Remember though that this method of smoking your haggis will not be possible once the smoking ban comes into force so you will need to smoke it at home.

You should continue force feeding the sheep for around two to three weeks until the bung looks like it will not hold. You must now act quickly !

This is the tricky bit. Hold the sheep, stomach up, with its face up near your groin ( please re-read the comments about Valentines Day sheep stuffing to avoid confusion here!) then, with your sharpest knife, you must cut along the length of the sheep. Then without hesitation reach in and secure the stomach at each end with a reef knot. Many a haggis has been ruined at this stage so you must do all this quickly.

You should now be in possession of one well stuffed sheep's stomach or haggis. The haggis should really be cured in a steamy bathroom for a few weeks but if you really can't wait it can of course be cooked and eaten immediately. Yum.
More soon.

The Kilt

2006-02-21T14:25:00.000-08:00

Those of you who have read the previous posting about the Scottish Midgie will understand when I say that the Kilt is a clear sign of Scottish manliness and fearlessness in the face of terrors that would make other men quake.

What other race of men, inhabiting a lonely moorland terrain infested with bloodsucking beasties would decide to adopt a dress (sorry the Kilt) as their national dress. And not only that but decide that if worn correctly it should be worn without underwear!

This is the secret initiation rite of Scottish manhood. It is a little known fact that not all Scottish men are entitled to wear the Kilt. In the Autumn of the year that a boy reaches 15 or so he is inspected - down there - by the Clan Chief's wife and she either pronounces "och he's jist a wee boy yet!" or declares his entry into the rite of manhood with a shout of "Jees will ye look at they yins!"

The young man is then stripped of his trousers and underwear and fitted with a Kilt. He is then taken with great ceremony to the nearest boggy bit of ground to test if he is "fit fer the Midgie".

The young man is expected to remain in the bog with his legs wide apart and holding a large stone above his head for not less than two hours while clouds of midges track him down by the odour of fear which he is usually giving of.

At the end of the two hours the Scotsman then has three large stones only one of which he has been carrying above his head. To ease his pain his pals them take him to the boozer and get him completely "oot o his face".
Needless to say few modern men survive this ordeal which is why now in Scotland we see only the occasional man wearing a Kilt.

Two Fundamentalists and an atheist....

2006-02-21T14:22:00.000-08:00

Two fundamentalists a Muslim and a Christian and an Atheist are on a plane which is about to crash. There is only one parachute. The Fundamentalist Muslim grabs the Fundamentalist Christian and starts to slap him on the face shouting "death to infidels!". The Christian, true to his fundamental beliefs turns the other cheek. So the Atheist seeing the other two are busy grabs the parachute and jumps out shouting "Long live Evolution!"

Scotland the Damp

2006-02-11T18:01:00.000-08:00

You will also find more Scottish humour at http://scotland.21publish.com

Scottish diet - The deep fried Mars bar

2006-02-05T08:04:00.000-08:00

I am aware that some readers may believe the story that the scots invented and ate the deep fried mars bar is one of those urban myths like there being crocodles in the New York sewers. This is not true. The deep fried mars bar ( i think you americans and others would refer to hershy bars?) is a true scottish delicacy consumed by school children during cold scottish winter lunch breaks "at the chippy" and by scottish young men and women after the pub.

The craze for the deep fried mars bar was a brief one but they can still be purchased as a special order at the chip shop. The recipe for deep fried mars bar echoes the approach of traditional scottish cooking - good food with the minimum of preparation. Take one mars bar. Coat it with batter then deep fry in oil (preferably oil which has been used to fry fish and chips for a couple of months) drain then eat while the chocolate is still melted. Yum! I can hear you all droolin over your keyboards! While the craze for the deep fried mars bar may have passed the wide and wobbly waistlines of lovers of this and other scottish delicacies can still be seen in many a town and city.

Wee Bastard! - The Scottish Midge

2006-02-05T07:57:00.000-08:00

No academic work on Scottish weather and culture would be complete without mention of the ubiquitous Scottish midge. South America has the pirhana. Africa has army ants. Scotland has the Midge. The Scottish midge is a flying insect so small as to be virtually undetectable except when it bites you to suck your blood. When the midge bites it feels like a sado-masochistic nurse has used a rusty hypodermic to take a blood sample. The midge is one of the perils of Scottish life.

Midges come in two distinct varieties. First the lone kamikaze. This type of midge has no respect for its own life. Its sole aim is to hone in on your exposed flesh, bite you as painfully as possible, suck your blood and then heroically give up its life under the slap of your palm. At these moments traditionally one utters a Scottish meditative mantra designed to help one cope with pain “ya fuckin wee basta” (English translation -take that you nasty little illegitimate fly). There is some debate in the scientific community ( see for example McSporran and McCracken 1997 “Wee Midgies n ither nasty bastards“) about whether they kamikaze midge is a distinct species. It has been noted for example that almost invariably an attack by a kamikaze is accompanied some minutes later by the second variety - The Scottish Sociable midge.

The Scottish Sociable Midge shares the instinctive socialist tendency that is inbred into the Scottish character. The Sociable Midge likes to hang around with its pals when its “oot on the toon”. Much like Scottish Man the midge may drink alone but by preference it prefers to be carousing with others. And just like Scottish Man it has a tendency to get a bit loud, boisterous and argumentative when its had a few. The attack of the sociable midge is a thing to be feared. Your standing there rubbing the guts of the last kamikaze from your hands when the first squadrons land in town. They pop in for a couple of drinks and then rush back to tell their pals where the action is at. Next thing while your still rubbing your face from the last jaggy bite the whole airforce arrives and your being carpet bombed by Commander Midgie Harris. Not good.

The midge is, fortunately , only generally “oot on the toon” when the weather is damp. Unfortunately this is 364 days out 365 in Scotland. (See previous Chapters). In future chapters we will discuss the connection between the midge and Scottish outdoor pursuits.

Miscellany 1

2005-02-28T06:36:00.000-08:00

My heart started to beat faster and my breathing became shallow and rapid. My hands became clammy and trembled slightly. Could it be? Was I dreaming? I looked again. Yes it was true - three people had read my Blog and they had posted comments! One of them even posted a damn fine funny joke. I will "tak a wee dram" (or two or three...) this evening in celebration.
Note to myself: Remain humble, don't let the fame and fortune go to your head, remember your old friends as you embark on this new life. Well...no fck that ... just give me the book deal and let me retire to somewhere sunny.
I will be back shortly with some further stuff on Scotland but meantime I have to go as I have appointments with my Cardiologist and my lawyer.

The sheep lovers guide - part 1

2005-02-23T08:44:00.000-08:00

A priest from the city was driving to his new parish in a small town in Ayrshire. As he drove into the town he saw a young man chasing a sheep down the street. The young man caught the sheep and began having sex with it right in the middle of the street. The priest was really shaken by this and decided he needed to have a whisky to settle his nerves. So he found a nearby bar. As he went up to get served he noticed an old man in the corner jackin off!
This really upset him and he said to the barman "Look, I'm Father McGlumph the new priest for this town. The first thing I see when I arrive is a young man chasing a sheep down the street, catching it, and having sex with it! Then I come in here for a wee whisky because I'm so shocked and I see an old man in the corner jackin off! How do you explain it?"The barman cocks his head, looks serious and says,"Well, ye cannae expect a man his age to catch a sheep now can ye?"

Old Jock the Amazing Scotsman

2005-02-23T08:36:00.000-08:00

A man came to a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read: "Don't miss Jock The Amazing Scotsman." The man bought a ticket and went in. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! Old Jock was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd to a roar of applause.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss Jock The Amazing Scotsman". He couldn't believe old Jock was still alive and doing his act! He bought a ticket. This time instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman came forward suddenly lifted his kilt and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd roared with applause!
Flabbergasted, the salesman asked to meet him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But tell me - you're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
Well," said old Jock, "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be!"

Golf and the Scot

2005-02-22T07:52:00.000-08:00

Two Scots golfers were just about to putt on the 18th green next to a road, when a funeral procession passed by. Tam, one of the golfers, interrupted his putting and respectfully took off his hat. His pal said "That was really gentlemanly of you - paying respects like that". To which Tam replied "It was the least I could do. She was my wife for 25 years..."

Scotlands poet suffers Rising Damp

2005-02-02T16:20:00.000-08:00

Apparently the Burns Cottage Museum has been suffering from rising damp.
The museum houses priceless manuscripts and letters from Rabbie Burns - the Scottish Bard.
Rising damp has caused structural damage to the century-old building which adjoins Burn’s birthplace in Ayrshire.
A valuable Burns artefact had to be moved out of the museum for restoration because of the condition.
Its a shame for the Rabbie it really is. However most of us in Scotland usually suffer more from falling damp than rising damp.

Scottish Weather - lesson 3

2005-02-01T07:21:00.000-08:00

Lesson three is something of a recap lesson because we covered a lot of material in the first two lessons. In summary Scottish weather can be categorised into the following categories;
1) Water. Otherwise known as Wet. In a number of types - Mist, fog, drizzle, sheet rain. With no wind and accompanied by temperature in the range mildly cold through very cold to freezing.
2) Wind. (Of the climatic type not the personal type or farts). Wind comes in a range of strengths from windy through gale and storm to hurricane. Each of these strengths associated with any one of three temperature variations as in category 1.
3) Windy water. In the variants lashing down or driving rain. Again each in three temperature variants as above.
4) Watery Wind. Sometimes difficult to distinguish from category 3. Also associated with the three main temperature variants.

In the next lesson I want to say a little more about sunshine. You will not encounter this often in Scotland as explained in lesson one. Sunshine, technically speaking is supposed to be associated with the conditions warm and dry. Such conditions are not encountered in Scotland. However you may hear such phrases as "last year I saw the sun" or "the sun is shining behind that raincloud". This shows that Scots do in fact sometimes actually observe the sun directly or, more usually, indirectly. This almost never qualifies as actual sunshine however as it is never accompanied by the conditions warm and dry. When the sun is observed it is often in mid-winter in dry but freezing conditions shortly before blizzards. This is know technically to Scottish weather forecasters as "a nice day for a walk".
There are reports of sunshine in Scotland but these are usually made by friends when one has returned from holiday abroad. The conversation would go something like this;
"Did you have a nice holiday?"
"Yea, we were steamin all the time."
"What was the weather like?"
"Not bad, it was only mildly cold, a bit windy, and it only pished down about half the time. What was the weather like here in Scotland?"
"Oh it was sunshine for the whole two weeks but its back to normal now."

Interlude - The great Wind Farm Conspiracy -1

2005-02-01T03:37:00.000-08:00

Before we continue with our lessons on Scottish Weather I thought I would share with you some thoughts on what I call The Great WindFarm Conspiracy.
This scandal has recieved little public exposure and I think it is time that the truth was more widely publicised. There has been much talk about Climate change and the need to reduce CO2 emmissions and here in great britain and in Scotland one of the developments that the Government proposes to meet this challenge is the development of large numbers of wind "farms".
We have some of these wind turbines near us. Personally I don't mind the look of them. However all is not what it seems with these wind farms. "They" tell us that these wind farms use the wind to generate electricity but you should not believe this. There is a massive conspiracy going on and its time the truth came out.
The truth is that these windfarms don't use the wind - they generate wind!!!!
Havn't you noticed that the faster the turbine blades spin the windier it gets? This country seems to have got a lot windier since they started building these wind farms and we now know why. The government has secretly gone into the wind generation business. This is part of a massive conspiracy with the North American military/techno/industrial interests. Having stolen all the Iraqi oil they need to use it for something or we would be up to our necks in cheap oil. So what do they do with all that surplus oil? They need to burn it off. It is being secretly burnt of in the power stations and used to generate electricity which is then fed through to these massive wind farms were it drives these wind turbines. The wind turbines then generate wind which dispurses harmlessly (so they think).
They must think we are stupid if they think we wont figure this scam!

Scottish Weather - Lesson two.

2005-01-31T06:27:00.000-08:00

Well this is getting very technical so I hope you have all been studying hard because I will be asking questions later.
Ok so we have basically covered the major points of water and wind. There is a lot more to it but we'll come back to that at a future lesson.

Just now I want to introduce a third factor - temperature. Most of you will have heard that well known Scottish expression - Its bloody freezin. Actually this is the anglicised version. No true Scot would actually use the word bloody in this context. To do so they would risk being taken for a real sassenach. The true Scot would say I'm fuckin freezin. However even this is not strictly true. there is an unwritten rule in Scotland that one must never - ever - admit to being affected by the temerature. It is acceptable of course to admit to being affected by water, so, for example "help I'm fuckin droonin" (excuse me sir but I appear to be drowning) is perfectly acceptable. Equally one can admit to having been affected by wind either of the personal or climactic kind. So for example statements of the form "Fuck me, d'ye smell that yin?" or " Oor dad wiz blown awa" will often be heard. So if you do hear someone say I'm fuckin freezin then you should suspect that their ancestors may not be wholly Scottish. It is interesting to compare Scottish usage in this respect with Geordie custom (people from Newcastle). In Newcastle it is customary for young ladies to wear less clothes at night the colder the weather gets and to do so without complaint.

To return to our third factor then. Temperature. This comes in three basic variants. Mildly cold, very cold and freezin. (remember never to admit personally to being freezin).
Each of the combinations that we discussed in Lesson One can be found in each of the three of these temperature variants. So for example we may have mildly cold windy water or freezin windy water.
As you can begin to see the variation in the Scottish climate is endless. More of this in the next lesson when I also hope to begin to look at aspects of Scottish culture.

Scottish weather - Lesson one.

2005-01-31T05:54:00.000-08:00

The weather today? Damp. Well actually it's a little more than damp today I would say its verging more towards wet. I should explain the Scottish climate to those poor people among you who are not fortunate enough to live in this place we call Scotland.
The Scottish climate consists basically of two main things. The first of these is water. It is very important to have a good grasp of all things watery if you want to understand Scotland. I'll explain more of this later. The second important thing is Wind. Wind comes in two forms - personal wind otherwise known as farts and climactic wind. In these early posts we will restrict ourselves to considering the climactic kind. Usually in Scotland these two things - wind and water - are found together in combination but they can also happen independently. So as you may guess we can have a number of possible permutations;

1) Water on its own. This comes in a number of forms; Mist, fog, drizzle, shit rain (sorry excuse my spelling that should be sheet rain.)

2)Wind on its own. This also comes in a number of varieties; windy, gale, storm, and hurricane.

3) Windy water. This combination occurs when the water component is more important than the windy component. So the rain may be lashing down , or we may have driving rain. Windy water may also be used as description of the weather on Scottish beaches. (more on this later)

4) Watery wind. This combination occurs when the predominant factor is wind but with some water. This is frequently hard to distinguish from combination 3. Why? because one minute it will be pishing down then a minute later it may be driving rain then still later it may be fucking pouring down.

I should, for the sake of accuracy, point out that there is technically a fifth combination. This combination - no water, no wind - is I understand technically known as sunshine. We have heard rumours of such a climatic condition and indeed I have friends who claim to have experienced this however I am not inclined to believe them. Personally I believe that this is one of those theoretical constructs that sounds good on paper when the equations are worked out but which is never really encountered in real life. However if any reader has encountered this condition in Scotland we would be interested to hear from you.
More later.

2004-03-26T04:35:00.000-08:00

No entry

2004-03-13T13:58:00.000-08:00

Er we are sorry but there is no entry for that in this blog as this is not something we have any particular experience of in Scotland. We suggest you try a blog based in Jamaica or London.

Oh no you didnt click that link did you?

2004-03-13T13:30:00.000-08:00

Jeees you are weird man! Imagine following that link!