Old Joe

Bill has been working his ass off lately and becoming very stressed out. Finally Bill couldn’t take it anymore so he called his psychiatrist and said he was stressed out and fixing to jump out the window to end it all.

The doctor calmed him down and said "Look Bill you take a break, go to my cabin in Alaska I'll make reservations on a flight to Alaska right now."

So Bill took the plane to Alaska.

He was in the town to get supplies when he saw a bar. Bill went in looked around the bar and hollered "Wheres all the women at"?
The bartender said "What women there ain’t no women around here"!

"Gimme a beer" said Bill.

Sitting at the bar he asked "What do y’all do when you want some"?

The Bartender replied, "Oh we just go see ole Joe about that".

Bill said "I can’t do that"!

Dissapointed, Bill finished his beer, got his supplies and went up to the cabin . There he fished and hunted and sang to himself and the weeks went by.

Running out of supplies he went back down to the town and stopped in at the bar where he hollered "Wheres all the women at"?

The Bartender replied "I told you already there ain’t no women around here, we go and see ole Joe"!

Bill ordered a beer and nursed it for a bit then he looked up to the bartender and asked

"Supposing I was,well..., you know.... but I’m not like that! Who all would have to know"?

The bartender thought for a minute and said;
" Five. There's you and me of course. Then there's the two other guys that have to hold ole Joe down because ole Joe ain’t like that either!

From the Jokes Forum at ournet.tv bulletin board

Software problems?

Technical support; please help!
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2004. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself. Help requested please?

re: Dear Technical Support - I also have Wife 1.0 but you should be aware that FreeSexPlus is limited to a 30-day trial and after that you have to buy RedLight 2.0 which is very expensive. Also it's almost impossible to get hold of RL2 as Wife 1.0 hogs all the bandwidth. Cleanhouse 2004 is shareware and the only way to keep it going is to do your share or you get inundated with nag-screens.

re: Dear Technical Support - What you need to do, obviously, is obtain a couple of key software packages, that can help alleviate your problem.

The first is DogWalk 3.2, which can be used to re-activate LadsNight Out, Although you need to be running MobilePhoneBatteryFailure 1.4, in order for this to work properly. The second is GardenShedTools 5, which will enable the continued use of Playboy 6.9 and even Razzle 8, although trying to use ReadersWivesSpecial 4.3 could lead to your hardware being infected by the AmINotEnoughForYou worm.

Last, but not least, is BeautySallonVoucher 7, which, if run regularly, can clear up a whole host of other issues, such as TurboStop and Whinge, and can lead to enhanced FreeSexPlus and FavouriteDinner 2.3. With regular updates, you may even find that Football 4.5 works, although overuse is not recommended. BeautySallonVoucher 7 is expensive, however, but well worth the investment. Especially as most people tell me that SayingILoveYouRegularly 10.6 is now so unreliable as to be downright dangerous.

Hope all this helps, and that your hardware and software can remain trouble-free; although as we all know, when Wife 1.0 is involved, nothing is guaranteed.

Who said....

This was sent in by Shad7547

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday." Wee Jock (a typical Scottish twang) thinks, "Ya bassa. Ah'm pure brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me.' Teacher: "Right class , who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?' Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. Teacher: Yes, Jeremy." Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960." Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday." The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined. Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'" Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss." Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."
Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: " Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday." The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation. Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?" Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss,meeeeee!" Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent: "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, The first moon landing." Teacher: Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."
Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Where the f**K did all these English b*st*rds come from?" Teacher looking round the class: "Who the hell said that?" Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746.

See yous on Tuesday."

Two Fundamentalists and an atheist....

Two fundamentalists a Muslim and a Christian and an Atheist are on a plane which is about to crash. There is only one parachute. The Fundamentalist Muslim grabs the Fundamentalist Christian and starts to slap him on the face shouting "death to infidels!". The Christian, true to his fundamental beliefs turns the other cheek. So the Atheist seeing the other two are busy grabs the parachute and jumps out shouting "Long live Evolution!"

Old Jock the Amazing Scotsman

A man came to a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read: "Don't miss Jock The Amazing Scotsman." The man bought a ticket and went in. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! Old Jock was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd to a roar of applause.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss Jock The Amazing Scotsman". He couldn't believe old Jock was still alive and doing his act! He bought a ticket. This time instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman came forward suddenly lifted his kilt and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd roared with applause!
Flabbergasted, the salesman asked to meet him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But tell me - you're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
Well," said old Jock, "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be!"

Golf and the Scot

Two Scots golfers were just about to putt on the 18th green next to a road, when a funeral procession passed by. Tam, one of the golfers, interrupted his putting and respectfully took off his hat. His pal said "That was really gentlemanly of you - paying respects like that". To which Tam replied "It was the least I could do. She was my wife for 25 years..."