Miscellany 1

My heart started to beat faster and my breathing became shallow and rapid. My hands became clammy and trembled slightly. Could it be? Was I dreaming? I looked again. Yes it was true - three people had read my Blog and they had posted comments! One of them even posted a damn fine funny joke. I will "tak a wee dram" (or two or three...) this evening in celebration.
Note to myself: Remain humble, don't let the fame and fortune go to your head, remember your old friends as you embark on this new life. Well...no fck that ... just give me the book deal and let me retire to somewhere sunny.
I will be back shortly with some further stuff on Scotland but meantime I have to go as I have appointments with my Cardiologist and my lawyer.

The sheep lovers guide - part 1

A priest from the city was driving to his new parish in a small town in Ayrshire. As he drove into the town he saw a young man chasing a sheep down the street. The young man caught the sheep and began having sex with it right in the middle of the street. The priest was really shaken by this and decided he needed to have a whisky to settle his nerves. So he found a nearby bar. As he went up to get served he noticed an old man in the corner jackin off!
This really upset him and he said to the barman "Look, I'm Father McGlumph the new priest for this town. The first thing I see when I arrive is a young man chasing a sheep down the street, catching it, and having sex with it! Then I come in here for a wee whisky because I'm so shocked and I see an old man in the corner jackin off! How do you explain it?"The barman cocks his head, looks serious and says,"Well, ye cannae expect a man his age to catch a sheep now can ye?"

Old Jock the Amazing Scotsman

A man came to a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read: "Don't miss Jock The Amazing Scotsman." The man bought a ticket and went in. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! Old Jock was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd to a roar of applause.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss Jock The Amazing Scotsman". He couldn't believe old Jock was still alive and doing his act! He bought a ticket. This time instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman came forward suddenly lifted his kilt and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd roared with applause!
Flabbergasted, the salesman asked to meet him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But tell me - you're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
Well," said old Jock, "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be!"