Who said....

This was sent in by Shad7547

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday." Wee Jock (a typical Scottish twang) thinks, "Ya bassa. Ah'm pure brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me.' Teacher: "Right class , who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?' Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. Teacher: Yes, Jeremy." Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960." Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday." The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined. Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'" Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss." Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."
Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: " Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday." The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation. Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?" Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss,meeeeee!" Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent: "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, The first moon landing." Teacher: Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."
Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Where the f**K did all these English b*st*rds come from?" Teacher looking round the class: "Who the hell said that?" Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746.

See yous on Tuesday."

A brief guide to Scottish Religion

The history of religion in Scotland has been driven by the impulse to divide and split into sects.
Religious people in Scotland are broadly divided into three religious sects the "Tims", the "Blue Noses" and "Pakis and Chinkies".
Now let us be clear on one thing first - your average Scot in considering the third group has no intention of being racist or discriminatory. It is simply difficult for the average Scot to understand that anyone does not fall into either the "Tim" sect or the "Blue Nose" sect and so there is then the tendancy to lump everyone else together into one group. As your average Scots exposure to people of other cultures is for many limited to going for an Indian or a Chinese meal then the tendency arises to lump all such people together.

Essentially the "Tims" are considered by the "Blue Noses" to all be descended from "ignorant Irish immigrants" who came across at the time of the potato famine in Ireland. The "Blue Noses" consider themselves to be the defenders of true Scottish culture against such Heathen barbarian invaders. The fact that both sects are in fact Christian (supposedly) is for both sides neither here nor there.

Now for the most part the Tims consider the Blue noses to be heretics from the true faith ( Catholicism) and have a great problem in understanding why the Blue noses profess to be "loyalists". Loyalists in this context means that the Blue noses say that they are loyal to the "Crown" - which is of course the monarch of the United Kingdom. Tims suspect that because of this "loyalism" the Blue noses are not true Scots as of course in their eyes no true Scot would admit to liking or supporting anything which has its base in England. ( Some Tims are in fact known to be genetically incapable of uttering the word English without spluttering).

It should be said at this point that these Scottish religious attitudes find their full flowering in the West of Scotland around Glasgow.

Advice to travellers: If you want to have some fun with a Scotsman from the west of Scotland - when he asks you what religion you are ( and he will, or he may ask you which school you went to - which to him means the same thing) tell him you are an atheist. This does not compute for him. He is likely then to ask if you are a catholic atheist or a protestant atheist. If you persist and reply neither don't be surprised if he then asks you for a chicken fried rice or a curry.

Scottish Diet - the haggis

Ah the haggis! - "great chieftain o the puddin race" as my great ancestor the poet Rabbie Burns wrote. There is little that can compare to the smell and taste of a plate of steaming haggis, tatties and neeps on a cold January evening. It is at such moments that the Scotsman, tucking into his favourite meal, with a wee dram in his glass and watching the "wifie" shoveling coal on the fire, is in true Scottish heaven.

There have been many false stories circulated about the haggis. These are mostly spread by Scottish butchers ruthlessly trying to guard the secret of this famous dish. Well just like the masked magician revealed all those magic secrets we will today fearlessly reveal the truth behind the haggis.

Foreigners are frequently told that the haggis is a three legged beastie that runs around the Scottish hills (in only one direction because of its odd number of legs) and that Scotsmen go on haggis hunts to catch them. Many foreigners believe such romantic stories but we can assure you that there is not a grain of truth in that story. In fact it is the little known "tattieboggle" that has three legs and runs around the hills. Scotsmen do go hunting the tattieboggle but not for the table because they are such poor eating.

No the haggis is in plain and simple terms a stuffed sheep's stomach. Now you may wonder what the big secret is at this point. Well the art and the mystery lies in how the sheep's stomach is stuffed. Let me take you through the technique point by point.

First of all the tastiest haggis is always made from a wild sheep's stomach. So the first thing is to make sure you have a wild sheep. Usually a couple of swipes across the face with a brush handle makes them pretty wild but the method is not important.

Having got your wild sheep it is then vital to ensure that none of the valuable stuffing is wasted once you start. Personally I would recommend a rubber bung but traditional recipes call for a cork bung.

You should recruit some friends for the insertion of the bung because at this point if the sheep was not already wild it will be by the time you have finished.

It is very very very important that the bung is well secured as the last thing you want is the bung working loose and popping out over the coming weeks. I recommend some ordinary garden wire for this. Make a hole in the top of the bung then, having inserted the bung at the rear, bring the wire forward and tie it tightly to the sheep's horns.

Now having secured your wild and fully bunged sheep we come to the stuffing. Let me be very clear on one point here. I am absolutely not talking about the kind of sheep stuffing that takes place on Valentines day in some of the more remote farmhouses in Scotland.

We are talking about force feeding the sheep. The wifie should now proceed to boil up at least two large bowls of oatmeal each day into which should be chopped any leftovers from the evening meal. Allow to cool a little and then force it down the sheep's throat. It is not uncommon for the sheep to proceed to tenderise its own meat at this point by running up and down the kitchen banging into the walls.

Some friends of mine like that slightly "smoked" flavour to their haggis. If this is your preference then you should take the sheep with you to the nearest bar each evening. For an extra touch the sheep can be given cheese and onion crisps for that cheesy haggis flavour. Remember though that this method of smoking your haggis will not be possible once the smoking ban comes into force so you will need to smoke it at home.

You should continue force feeding the sheep for around two to three weeks until the bung looks like it will not hold. You must now act quickly !

This is the tricky bit. Hold the sheep, stomach up, with its face up near your groin ( please re-read the comments about Valentines Day sheep stuffing to avoid confusion here!) then, with your sharpest knife, you must cut along the length of the sheep. Then without hesitation reach in and secure the stomach at each end with a reef knot. Many a haggis has been ruined at this stage so you must do all this quickly.

You should now be in possession of one well stuffed sheep's stomach or haggis. The haggis should really be cured in a steamy bathroom for a few weeks but if you really can't wait it can of course be cooked and eaten immediately. Yum.
More soon.