Scottish Weather Forecast for 2009

We have just received this long range weather forecast for Scotland for 2009 from Ian Maheid at the Inverlochlochan Weather Station.

January 2009 - Wet and rainy with snow hail and sleet. Cold Winds.
February 2009 - Rainy wet stuff with chilly gales and hail
March 2009 - Mair rain n wet stuff with clouds and stormy breezes
April 2009 - Wet and not quite freezing
May 2009 - Monday 23rd May is forecast to be slightly overcast. Otherwise as before
June 2009 - Scottish summertime starts. Wet cold and windy.
July 2009 - Scottish Holiday season. Slightly less cold lashing doon wi' rain.
August 2009 - Wet and Midgie
September 2009 - Start of Tattiebogle season. Wet.
October 2009 - Freezing hail wi' rain 'n' windy cloud thingies.
December 2009 - Snow 'n' rain 'n' sleet 'n' clouds.

Ian Mahead points out that as for 2008 the 2009 forecast clearly appears to indicate further warming of the Scottish climate consistent with Global warming.

Police act on Scottish rural prostitution

As part of the Scottish Government initiative against prostitution Scottish police forces have launched a massive blitz against rural sheep prostitution.

Inspector Taggart of Girvan Valley Police explained that the initiative had been launched with high profile raids on shops selling wellington boots under the counter and that they were now moving street sheep prostitutes away from their usual haunts.

In the accompanying picture Inspector Taggart can be seen rounding up street prostitutes in the red light area of Glenbogle and moving them away from the bus stops where they ply their trade.

According to Inspector Taggart, "Many of these street sheep prostitutes have been forced into this activity against their will. Most of them would be much happier just wandering around in the fields. But they are forced into this work by farmers who make them hang around bus stops offering naughty services to men."

First Priminster Lex Salmond ( Scottish Nits party) who was recently photographed hanging around a bus stop after the buses had stopped running for the evening has told newspaper reporters that he was simply "waiting for a taxi". He insists that he fully supports the campaign to stop Scottish rural street sheep prostitution.

Mr Salmond also claims that the Sheep prostitution problem is the result of the union of the Scottish and English parliament which led to the loss of Scottish Independence. He claims that "In an Independent Scotland Scottish men would not need to resort to such sordid practices. I have nothing against England or the English but this is their fault."

Mr Sherridan of the Scottish Republican Soviet Socialist Stalinist Party of Scotland (Provisional) has in the past claimed that the problem of sheep prostitution is "part of the proletarian struggle against the oppressive capitalist/syndicalist/imperialist war conglomerate and will be resolved by the dictatorship of the proletariat led by the revolutionary vanguard." He has not been available for further comment however as he is currently appearing in a reality TV show and is awaiting the outcome of a police perjury investigation.

Scottish Maths exam papers

GLASGOW REGION EXAM PAPER

Name...........................................
Nickname......................................
Gangname..............

Q1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine to sell. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?

Q2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at £3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single?

Q3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?

Q4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000on on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

Q5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have?

EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?

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EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION EXAM PAPER

Name..........................................

Rugby Club..................................

Daddy's Company.........................

Q1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The FestivalFringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?

Q2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flatmate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

Q3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as EdinburghCastle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate of Scotland?

Q4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?

Q5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?

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HIGHLANDS REGION EXAM PAPER

Name..................................

Glen...................................

Clan ...............................

Q1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle Estate. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 per acre for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?

Q2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks aTartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take the Tartan Shop to sell him a full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?

Q3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised? (Bonus for 5 marks - If a sheepshagger takes three shakes of a lambs tale to shag three sheep how long does the ram take to mount mary?)

Q4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27 lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!

Fae Shad