The Highland Games: Tossers and shoogling.

(Notice that this man has an unusually large caber. Scotsmen are famous for the size of their cabers and must toss them regularly)





The Highland Scotsman takes three things very seriously, drinking whisky, religion and taking part in the Annual Highland Games. (Oh and Shinty of course but we'll look at that another time)

So when the Highlander arrives home in the wee small hours of the morning smelling the worse for drink his wife is seldom surprised when she hears the excuse "I was just away tossing my caber". She must bear this with fortitude for she knows that her husband must be a regular tosser if he is to hold his end up in the annual highland games caber tossing competition.

Highland Games Historical Origins
The tossing of the caber is of course only one of a number of events at the annual Highland Games gathering which is held in each village in the Highlands during the Autumn months.

The historical origins of these games is illustrative of the roots of many Scottish cultural practices. They have their origins in preparation for battle - for the Scots are of course a warrior race who formed the backbone of the British Army as it forged an Empire.

In the "Olden Days" (I use the definition here first set out by McGlump and McGlinty in their seminal book "Auld Scots Folk culture: Before the telly came aboot" Published by McSporran Press 1991) it was important that the Highlander was kept in a state of readiness for battle so that his clan chief ( The big Yin) could call on him at a moments notice. This was then the original purpose of the Highland games.

The other main events at the annual games are hurling the shot and dancing roond swords. Let us look briefly at the role each of these events originally played in preparing the Scot for battle.

Hurling the Shot.
This event is perhaps easiest to interpret in respect of its relevance to martial skills.

First, one must understand that the Highland Scots were, in the "Olden Days", rather poor and not many of the Big Yins could afford to purchase proper cannon to fight the English. But of course without cannon the Scots would have been at a disadvantage in their yearly battles with the English Army so the Big Yins set their best thinkers to try to resolve the problem.

The Scots are famed for being an inventive, practical and mechanically minded race so it was not long before the Clan scientists came back with a solution to the problem.

"We'll tak a wee bit wire and kinda tie it roond the cannonball like this see. Then we'll get Jimmy tae kinda swing it roond his heid and then letit go tae F**k at thae English bastards like."

Problem solved. The only drawback of course was that your average Scottish "cannoneer" could not achieve the distance that the English artillery was able to manage. As a result the Scottish cannoneer had to get close to the English lines before he was within throwing distance. The life expectancy of Scottish cannoneers was as a result not very long.

Dancing roond the swords, 'n kilts 'n aw that.

To really understand the origins of dancing roond swords you should read our post on the Scottish midgie so that you understand the role of this wee bastard of a beastie in the creation of Scottish manhood.

As we revealed in a previous article there is an intricate relationship between the wearing of the kilt, the midgie and being "a man" in Scotland.

Long ago in clan times the Big Yins (Clan chiefs) had to find some way to get their men all fired up for battle. As any Scottish man knows, when you are wearing the kilt and shoogle about this is like a red rag to a bull for the local midgies. The shoogling of the kilt sends a waft of testicular odours out on the breeze and the local midgies home in on this likes sharks on blood scented water. The midgie likes nothing better than snacking on Scottish dangly bits.

The shoogling Scotsman quickly discovers that his testicles are being bitten by thousands of blood sucking midgies and boy DOES THIS GET HIM MAD. He is at this point ready to blame any nearby Englishman ( See the entry on Scotlands second favourite sport: Blaming the English).

So, knowing this, the chiefs began the custom of having their men shoogle around in their kilts before a battle. To give the whole exercise some cover they had the men put their swords on the ground and dance around them. Hence Scottish highland dancing.

More soon.

A brief guide to Scottish Religion

The history of religion in Scotland has been driven by the impulse to divide and split into sects.
Religious people in Scotland are broadly divided into three religious sects the "Tims", the "Blue Noses" and "Pakis and Chinkies".
Now let us be clear on one thing first - your average Scot in considering the third group has no intention of being racist or discriminatory. It is simply difficult for the average Scot to understand that anyone does not fall into either the "Tim" sect or the "Blue Nose" sect and so there is then the tendancy to lump everyone else together into one group. As your average Scots exposure to people of other cultures is for many limited to going for an Indian or a Chinese meal then the tendency arises to lump all such people together.

Essentially the "Tims" are considered by the "Blue Noses" to all be descended from "ignorant Irish immigrants" who came across at the time of the potato famine in Ireland. The "Blue Noses" consider themselves to be the defenders of true Scottish culture against such Heathen barbarian invaders. The fact that both sects are in fact Christian (supposedly) is for both sides neither here nor there.

Now for the most part the Tims consider the Blue noses to be heretics from the true faith ( Catholicism) and have a great problem in understanding why the Blue noses profess to be "loyalists". Loyalists in this context means that the Blue noses say that they are loyal to the "Crown" - which is of course the monarch of the United Kingdom. Tims suspect that because of this "loyalism" the Blue noses are not true Scots as of course in their eyes no true Scot would admit to liking or supporting anything which has its base in England. ( Some Tims are in fact known to be genetically incapable of uttering the word English without spluttering).

It should be said at this point that these Scottish religious attitudes find their full flowering in the West of Scotland around Glasgow.

Advice to travellers: If you want to have some fun with a Scotsman from the west of Scotland - when he asks you what religion you are ( and he will, or he may ask you which school you went to - which to him means the same thing) tell him you are an atheist. This does not compute for him. He is likely then to ask if you are a catholic atheist or a protestant atheist. If you persist and reply neither don't be surprised if he then asks you for a chicken fried rice or a curry.

Scottish Diet - the haggis

Ah the haggis! - "great chieftain o the puddin race" as my great ancestor the poet Rabbie Burns wrote. There is little that can compare to the smell and taste of a plate of steaming haggis, tatties and neeps on a cold January evening. It is at such moments that the Scotsman, tucking into his favourite meal, with a wee dram in his glass and watching the "wifie" shoveling coal on the fire, is in true Scottish heaven.

There have been many false stories circulated about the haggis. These are mostly spread by Scottish butchers ruthlessly trying to guard the secret of this famous dish. Well just like the masked magician revealed all those magic secrets we will today fearlessly reveal the truth behind the haggis.

Foreigners are frequently told that the haggis is a three legged beastie that runs around the Scottish hills (in only one direction because of its odd number of legs) and that Scotsmen go on haggis hunts to catch them. Many foreigners believe such romantic stories but we can assure you that there is not a grain of truth in that story. In fact it is the little known "tattieboggle" that has three legs and runs around the hills. Scotsmen do go hunting the tattieboggle but not for the table because they are such poor eating.

No the haggis is in plain and simple terms a stuffed sheep's stomach. Now you may wonder what the big secret is at this point. Well the art and the mystery lies in how the sheep's stomach is stuffed. Let me take you through the technique point by point.

First of all the tastiest haggis is always made from a wild sheep's stomach. So the first thing is to make sure you have a wild sheep. Usually a couple of swipes across the face with a brush handle makes them pretty wild but the method is not important.

Having got your wild sheep it is then vital to ensure that none of the valuable stuffing is wasted once you start. Personally I would recommend a rubber bung but traditional recipes call for a cork bung.

You should recruit some friends for the insertion of the bung because at this point if the sheep was not already wild it will be by the time you have finished.

It is very very very important that the bung is well secured as the last thing you want is the bung working loose and popping out over the coming weeks. I recommend some ordinary garden wire for this. Make a hole in the top of the bung then, having inserted the bung at the rear, bring the wire forward and tie it tightly to the sheep's horns.

Now having secured your wild and fully bunged sheep we come to the stuffing. Let me be very clear on one point here. I am absolutely not talking about the kind of sheep stuffing that takes place on Valentines day in some of the more remote farmhouses in Scotland.

We are talking about force feeding the sheep. The wifie should now proceed to boil up at least two large bowls of oatmeal each day into which should be chopped any leftovers from the evening meal. Allow to cool a little and then force it down the sheep's throat. It is not uncommon for the sheep to proceed to tenderise its own meat at this point by running up and down the kitchen banging into the walls.

Some friends of mine like that slightly "smoked" flavour to their haggis. If this is your preference then you should take the sheep with you to the nearest bar each evening. For an extra touch the sheep can be given cheese and onion crisps for that cheesy haggis flavour. Remember though that this method of smoking your haggis will not be possible once the smoking ban comes into force so you will need to smoke it at home.

You should continue force feeding the sheep for around two to three weeks until the bung looks like it will not hold. You must now act quickly !

This is the tricky bit. Hold the sheep, stomach up, with its face up near your groin ( please re-read the comments about Valentines Day sheep stuffing to avoid confusion here!) then, with your sharpest knife, you must cut along the length of the sheep. Then without hesitation reach in and secure the stomach at each end with a reef knot. Many a haggis has been ruined at this stage so you must do all this quickly.

You should now be in possession of one well stuffed sheep's stomach or haggis. The haggis should really be cured in a steamy bathroom for a few weeks but if you really can't wait it can of course be cooked and eaten immediately. Yum.
More soon.

The Kilt

Those of you who have read the previous posting about the Scottish Midgie will understand when I say that the Kilt is a clear sign of Scottish manliness and fearlessness in the face of terrors that would make other men quake.

What other race of men, inhabiting a lonely moorland terrain infested with bloodsucking beasties would decide to adopt a dress (sorry the Kilt) as their national dress. And not only that but decide that if worn correctly it should be worn without underwear!

This is the secret initiation rite of Scottish manhood. It is a little known fact that not all Scottish men are entitled to wear the Kilt. In the Autumn of the year that a boy reaches 15 or so he is inspected - down there - by the Clan Chief's wife and she either pronounces "och he's jist a wee boy yet!" or declares his entry into the rite of manhood with a shout of "Jees will ye look at they yins!"

The young man is then stripped of his trousers and underwear and fitted with a Kilt. He is then taken with great ceremony to the nearest boggy bit of ground to test if he is "fit fer the Midgie".

The young man is expected to remain in the bog with his legs wide apart and holding a large stone above his head for not less than two hours while clouds of midges track him down by the odour of fear which he is usually giving of.

At the end of the two hours the Scotsman then has three large stones only one of which he has been carrying above his head. To ease his pain his pals them take him to the boozer and get him completely "oot o his face".
Needless to say few modern men survive this ordeal which is why now in Scotland we see only the occasional man wearing a Kilt.

Scottish diet - The deep fried Mars bar

I am aware that some readers may believe the story that the scots invented and ate the deep fried mars bar is one of those urban myths like there being crocodles in the New York sewers. This is not true. The deep fried mars bar ( i think you americans and others would refer to hershy bars?) is a true scottish delicacy consumed by school children during cold scottish winter lunch breaks "at the chippy" and by scottish young men and women after the pub.

The craze for the deep fried mars bar was a brief one but they can still be purchased as a special order at the chip shop. The recipe for deep fried mars bar echoes the approach of traditional scottish cooking - good food with the minimum of preparation. Take one mars bar. Coat it with batter then deep fry in oil (preferably oil which has been used to fry fish and chips for a couple of months) drain then eat while the chocolate is still melted. Yum! I can hear you all droolin over your keyboards! While the craze for the deep fried mars bar may have passed the wide and wobbly waistlines of lovers of this and other scottish delicacies can still be seen in many a town and city.

Wee Bastard! - The Scottish Midge

No academic work on Scottish weather and culture would be complete without mention of the ubiquitous Scottish midge. South America has the pirhana. Africa has army ants. Scotland has the Midge. The Scottish midge is a flying insect so small as to be virtually undetectable except when it bites you to suck your blood. When the midge bites it feels like a sado-masochistic nurse has used a rusty hypodermic to take a blood sample. The midge is one of the perils of Scottish life.

Midges come in two distinct varieties. First the lone kamikaze. This type of midge has no respect for its own life. Its sole aim is to hone in on your exposed flesh, bite you as painfully as possible, suck your blood and then heroically give up its life under the slap of your palm. At these moments traditionally one utters a Scottish meditative mantra designed to help one cope with pain “ya fuckin wee basta” (English translation -take that you nasty little illegitimate fly). There is some debate in the scientific community ( see for example McSporran and McCracken 1997 “Wee Midgies n ither nasty bastards“) about whether they kamikaze midge is a distinct species. It has been noted for example that almost invariably an attack by a kamikaze is accompanied some minutes later by the second variety - The Scottish Sociable midge.

The Scottish Sociable Midge shares the instinctive socialist tendency that is inbred into the Scottish character. The Sociable Midge likes to hang around with its pals when its “oot on the toon”. Much like Scottish Man the midge may drink alone but by preference it prefers to be carousing with others. And just like Scottish Man it has a tendency to get a bit loud, boisterous and argumentative when its had a few. The attack of the sociable midge is a thing to be feared. Your standing there rubbing the guts of the last kamikaze from your hands when the first squadrons land in town. They pop in for a couple of drinks and then rush back to tell their pals where the action is at. Next thing while your still rubbing your face from the last jaggy bite the whole airforce arrives and your being carpet bombed by Commander Midgie Harris. Not good.

The midge is, fortunately , only generally “oot on the toon” when the weather is damp. Unfortunately this is 364 days out 365 in Scotland. (See previous Chapters). In future chapters we will discuss the connection between the midge and Scottish outdoor pursuits.