International News Report by our reporter Graham McBoogle.
In a dramatic development in South Africa today the leader of Glenboggle council and head of the Scottish Notional Privvy, Alex Salmon ( know to his friends as Smart Alex) stood up in the court in South Africa were Oscar Pistorius is on trial and waved the blue Glenboggle flag behind the judge.
Observers at the court said that it seemed that smart Alex had thought that some sort of sporting event was being held and that, as he usually does, it was important for him to appear and fly the flag of Glenboggle. Observers reported that smart Alex appeared to realise his mistake and then began declaiming about the iniquities of the British Empire and the blood soaked history of English Tories coming to Glenboggle to buy holiday homes. He also claimed that Glenboggle Council would soon be declaring that it would be leaving the South of Scotland and that most people in Glenboggle would soon vote for this.
Mr Salmon declared -
"The Tory English come here and try to tell us that Glenboggle Council is too wee and too poor to be an independent council. Well we aren't a bunch of feartiehearts. We have decades of Irn Bru reserves that can be mined round here and its always raining so our water exports can be worth trillions."
The South African Judge Ms Marion Mbekobekamobokobika asked Mr Salmon
"Why do you think you can come here and disrupt this court with nonsense like this? Surely you must have had some sort of escape plan B?"
Mr Salmon replied that he refused to discuss whether he had any plan B as he was sure that the judge would let him go in view of the enormous contribution that the village of Glenboggle had made to world history and culture.
When the judge gave Mr Salmon a further chance to explain his plan B he refused and the judge therefore sentenced him to two months because she "held him in contempt".
Mr Salmon was lead away shouting that "You'll see, its in both our interests for you to let me go" and shouting that "they are only bluffing about jailing me". He was last seen being driven away in a Prison van to start his sentence.
The opposition leader on Glenboggle Council Mr H.E.Dinsand said that Mr Salmon's behaviour had brought disgrace on the village at a time when everyone needed to focus on the important task of getting the sheep sheared.
07 March 2014
International News Report by our reporter Graham McBoogle.
08 February 2014
For years residents of Glenboggle have had to put up with companies digging ruddy big holes all over the place as they extract valuable Irn Bru ore from the landscape around the village.
Glenboggle has historically been a major centre for Irn Bru ore mining. Deep mining of Irn Bru gave way to open cast Irn Bru mining decades ago after Thatcher almost destroyed the Irn Bru industry on the back of cheap imported Orange Juice.
Despite this the areas reserves of Irn Bru have continued to be exploited by Open Cast mines which still provide some employment. The problem for the area has been that these Open Cast mines are a blight on the landscape and are basically just enourmously ugly ruddy great holes in our beautiful landscape.
Glenboogle Council has clamed for years that locals should not be concerned because the mine owners had promised to "make things nice".
However in the last year most of these opertators have gone bankrupt and it has becme clear that there is no money to fill the ruddy great big ernomously ugly holes in.
Councillor Sporranly McThistlebottom told the Glenboggly Observer;
" This comes as a great shock to everyone. When I was at the World Cup with the Directors of these companies they looked like they were rolling in cash. I didn't have to buy a thing! They treated me to everything. I just don't understand how they could have gone bankrupt ! I'm sure the community will rally round and, if we all get a shovel out, then it shouldn't take more than a few decades to fill in those holes"
Glenboogle Council, after talks with East Ayrshire Council which has also had problems with Open cast mines and worthless restoration bonds, commissioned a report into the fiasco.
After six months of quizzing council staff and councillors the report was published. The four word report was uniquivocal in its findings -
"THEY ARE ALL IDIOTS"
The report author Mr Scrote presented the report at a public meetng. He was asked to expand on his rather brief report and he said;
"It's incredible that people could have been so stupid".
The Glenbogg Courier has reported rumours that the full report names and shames the whole council as "A motley crew of no nothing moochers and scraff mulchers".
As the farce unfolds the poor long suffering people of Glenboggle are left wondering who will meet the cost of filling in all those bloody awful nasty ugly enormous big holes. Sadly they think they already know the answer.
As the village of Glenboggle deals with the aftermath of the recent flooding of the Twin Rivers Housing Estate local politicians are fuming mad and demanding that something must be done.
One politician who wanted to remain anonymous said; " It disgraceful. Something must be done. I don't care what. I don't even care if it works but we need to be seen to be doing something or all those drowned peoples relatives won't vote for us. I blame all this on the last government"
The Twin Rivers Housing Estate was built in a scenic location in the middle of the river Twaddle in 2010 after being given planning permission by Glenboggle council despite experts calling the development "nuts".
Councillor Eric McBoggle head of the planning committee said;
"Its such a shame for those poor people living in the Two Rivers Housing Estate. Its a disgrace that the UK government has allowed all this rain to fall on Scotland. It's David Camerons fault."
The council have denied that their decision to allow property developers to build houses in the middle of a river had contributed to the problem.
"What we really need to do is dig out the river and replace it with a huge concrete pipe to take all the floodwater away." said Councillor McBoggle.