03 February 2009

Scottish Government Budget deal agreed

Crime report: The SNP Scottish Government Gang today agreed a "budget deal" with the rival Liberal Democrats gang. There had been much wrangling in recent weeks about how the money that the gang have stolen from taxpayers should be divided up.

The Scottish Liberal Democrats who are led by Tavish "Bugsy" Scott wanted an agreement that the gangs would jointly be able to steal borrow more money from"on behalf" of Scottish Taxpayers. Word on the streets was that the SNP leadership under Priminster Lex Salmond and his two sidekicks Bonnie "The Sturgeon" Parker and Clyde "Swinney" Barrow were concerned that the heat was on due to their previous raids on taxpayers and that the gangs should lay low for a while.

At one stage there was talk that the gangs who had come together under the umbrella of the "Scottish Government" were prepared to go to the mattresses and see their disagreement result in an Election. It seems however that none of the gangs really had a taste or were prepared for a major bloodletting at this time. Their fear was that the Scottish Taxpayers who were fed up of being fleeced by these gangsters would fight back and that there would be blood at the ballot boxes.

So for now it seems that the gangs involved have managed to agree an uneasy truce. The Scottish Labour gang who once ruled the territory are still mostly in hiding and licking their wounds after previous Electoral battles. Although they gunned down the SNP opposition at the most recent by election battle they still don't have the taste for full scale street fighting.

So, for now, the loosely knit association of political gangs known as the Scottish Parliament continues to operate. The Scottish Taxpayers are closing in on them though and one day this bunch of crooks will be brought to justice.

Frazer Writely
Scottish Crime and Politics Correspondent.

25 January 2009

Scottish Weather Forecast for 2009

We have just received this long range weather forecast for Scotland for 2009 from Ian Maheid at the Inverlochlochan Weather Station.

January 2009 - Wet and rainy with snow hail and sleet. Cold Winds.
February 2009 - Rainy wet stuff with chilly gales and hail
March 2009 - Mair rain n wet stuff with clouds and stormy breezes
April 2009 - Wet and not quite freezing
May 2009 - Monday 23rd May is forecast to be slightly overcast. Otherwise as before
June 2009 - Scottish summertime starts. Wet cold and windy.
July 2009 - Scottish Holiday season. Slightly less cold lashing doon wi' rain.
August 2009 - Wet and Midgie
September 2009 - Start of Tattiebogle season. Wet.
October 2009 - Freezing hail wi' rain 'n' windy cloud thingies.
December 2009 - Snow 'n' rain 'n' sleet 'n' clouds.

Ian Mahead points out that as for 2008 the 2009 forecast clearly appears to indicate further warming of the Scottish climate consistent with Global warming.

09 January 2009

Police act on Scottish rural prostitution

Scottish rural street sheep prostitutes being rounded upAs part of the Scottish Government initiative against prostitution Scottish police forces have launched a massive blitz against rural sheep prostitution.

Inspector Taggart of Girvan Valley Police explained that the initiative had been launched with high profile raids on shops selling wellington boots under the counter and that they were now moving street sheep prostitutes away from their usual haunts.

In the accompanying picture Inspector Taggart can be seen rounding up street prostitutes in the red light area of Glenbogle and moving them away from the bus stops where they ply their trade.

According to Inspector Taggart, "Many of these street sheep prostitutes have been forced into this activity against their will. Most of them would be much happier just wandering around in the fields. But they are forced into this work by farmers who make them hang around bus stops offering naughty services to men."

First Priminster Lex Salmond ( Scottish Nits party) who was recently photographed hanging around a bus stop after the buses had stopped running for the evening has told newspaper reporters that he was simply "waiting for a taxi". He insists that he fully supports the campaign to stop Scottish rural street sheep prostitution.

Mr Salmond also claims that the Sheep prostitution problem is the result of the union of the Scottish and English parliament which led to the loss of Scottish Independence. He claims that "In an Independent Scotland Scottish men would not need to resort to such sordid practices. I have nothing against England or the English but this is their fault."

Mr Sherridan of the Scottish Republican Soviet Socialist Stalinist Party of Scotland (Provisional) has in the past claimed that the problem of sheep prostitution is "part of the proletarian struggle against the oppressive capitalist/syndicalist/imperialist war conglomerate and will be resolved by the dictatorship of the proletariat led by the revolutionary vanguard." He has not been available for further comment however as he is currently appearing in a reality TV show and is awaiting the outcome of a police perjury investigation.