04 January 2011

Tommy Sheridan guilty in sheep shafting case

Salacious Pic of Sheep Bottoms ( all models over 18 yrs old)
The good people of Glenbogle were in a state of shock today when the jury in the trial of Community Councillor Tommy "three reds in a bed" Sheridan delivered a guilty verdict.  The long running trial at Glenbogle District Court has been the talk of the village for days. Our contempt for the court has prevented this blog from commenting in detail on the case until now but today we can reveal the full sordid details.

The case against Sheridan followed a major Glenbogle police investigation into rural sheep trafficking.

Tommy Sheridan and Gail Sheridan- the charges
Sheridan was initially brought to court facing 397 separate charges covering incidents ranging back to when he was seven years old and told his mum "a big boy did it". As the trial progressed the prosecutor Mr Prentice dropped a number of charges against Tommy Sheridan. The Jury was eventually asked to consider only ten of the original 397 charges and brought in guilty verdicts on three.

In a surprise move all charges against fragrant and lovely "Gail Sheridan", who was originally charged under her legal name of Red Sonia, were dropped shortly before the jury returned their verdict. The judge Mr Fumbly Braccadale in discharging Gail Sheridan remarked how beautiful and fragrant she was and said that because of this she was obviously innocent of any wicked doings now or in the future.

Police Interview of Gail Sheridan
There has been particular controversy over a video tape of the police interviews of Gail Sheridan.  We reproduce a short transcipt of the interview here for the prurient edification of our readers.

In the video Gail Sheridan can be seen banging her head on the cell wall and fumbling with the safety catch on her AK-47 while singing the "The wearing of the green".  (During the interview the policeman refers to Gail Sheridan by her legal name)

Transcript of the Sheridan Police Interview Videotape
Detective:- "Red Sonia - I put it to you that I find your behaviour strangely attractive and fragrant. I served for three years in the Orange Lodge  division of Glenbogle Police and I have to say that I find your behaviour reminds me of the sort of thing that Catholics are trained to do to resist interogation."
Sheridan then continues banging her head on the wall while fingering her magazine.

Scotland the Damp has been told that the Provisional IRA has now lodged a complaint with Glenbogle police claiming that the Police approach to the interview was oppressive and that comparing Red Sonia to a Catholic showed that the police are still tinged with discriminatory attitudes towards violent revolutionary nationalist Irishmen.

Tommy Sheridan - the sexy bits
During the course of the trial the court heard how Sheridan had attended an infamous "sheep party" at a local farmhouse. One witness told how she attended the party thinking it was a visit of the local WRI. She opened the door to one room and claimed that she saw Sheridan standing there in his thong watching another man "dipping" a sheep.

The court also heard that Sheridan had travelled south with a number of other sheep lovers where they were alleged to have attended a "farmers market". One witness alleged that Sheridan at one point "went out for a pizza".

Tommy Sheridan - the confession video
The court was shown a video which was secretly filmed by Sheridans best friend George McNeilage. In the video Sheridan can be clearly heard impersonating local entertainer Des MaClean. In the video Sheridan gives a rendition of "I did it my way".  Sheridan claimed that this proved that it could not be him on the video because he only ever sings in the shower and doesn't like Frank Sinatra.

Tommy Sheridan - the case for the defence
Sheridan called three witnesses to try to support his contention that the alleged video confession was either really him or not him. The three witnesses all agreed with this version. On cross examination each witness claimed that "Tommy only sings in the shower".

Sheridan claimed overall that he was the victim of political machinations by an anarchist group within the community council who had conspired with the Washington Post and the Illuminati to spread false stories that he was a "sheep lover". Clearly the Jury did not believe his explanations.

In his summing up speech which lasted 15 hours Sheridan simply repeated over and over "For Gods sake I know I did it and you know I did it so I'm scared to death that you'll find me guilty".

The judges summing up
The judge The Lord Fumbly Braccadale of Ewes-Bottom farm Glenbogle told the jury that they should carefully consider the evidence that they had heard before finding Sheridan guilty. He warned the jury that they were only to consider the evidence and not to consider any matters to do with the morality of sheep farming or sheep fancying.

Lord Braccadale deferred sentencing until after Christmas to ensure that there was sufficient time for gossip about Sheridan's sexual attractiveness to sheep to fully circulate around the village.

Gail stands behind her man
Fragrant and lovely Gail Sheridan bravely stood behind her man outside the court after the verdict was delivered.

She said "I have always stood with Tommy and even though he is a lying two timing sheep fancier I always will stand behind him and he'll be quite safe as long as he doesn't walk near cliff edges or stand near busy traffic"

Grounds for Appeal by Tommy Sheridan
As we went to press we heard that Sheridan will be appealing the verdict on the grounds that some witnesses who would have provided proof of the conspiracy failed to turn up. In particular Sheridan will claim that the owner of the Investigation company Web Enforcement Inc. "Mad" Mick Murphy was employed by this blog to hack into Sheridan's private life under instructions from the foreign owner of Adverts International who sponsors this blog.