08 April 2007

Scottish Maths exam papers



Q1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine to sell. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?

Q2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at £3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single?

Q3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?

Q4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000on on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

Q5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have?

EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?



Rugby Club..................................

Daddy's Company.........................

Q1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The FestivalFringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?

Q2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flatmate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

Q3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as EdinburghCastle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate of Scotland?

Q4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?

Q5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?




Clan ...............................

Q1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle Estate. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 per acre for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?

Q2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks aTartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take the Tartan Shop to sell him a full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?

Q3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised? (Bonus for 5 marks - If a sheepshagger takes three shakes of a lambs tale to shag three sheep how long does the ram take to mount mary?)

Q4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27 lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!

Fae Shad

Y' ken yer Scottish if........

Are You Scottish?

You know you are a true Scot if.........

1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St, St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.

2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.

3. Yer used tae fowr seasons in wan day.

4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop wee'oot sleverin when yer blootert.

5. Ye kin fa aboot pished wee'oot spilling yer drink.

6. Ye see people wearin shell suits wi burberry accessories - pure class!

7. Ye measure distance in minutes.

8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and ken characters just like him, in yer ain femily.

9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.

10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.

11. Ye ken whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.

12. Somedy ye ken his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.

13. You've been at a wedding an fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel

14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, iron-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.

15. Yer holiday hame at the seaside has calor gas uner it.

6. Ye ken irn-bru is a hangover cure.

17. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.

18. Ye actually understaun this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals .

19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these words;

how's it hingin, clatty, boggin, cludgie, pished, get it up ye, wee beasties, erse bandit, amurny, away an bile yer heid, peely-wally, humphey backit, Ba'-heid, baw bag, dubble nugget.

And finally......

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, whar the butcher has jist came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire.

The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"

"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'.

:-) Thanks to Shad7547 ( and there's mair comin')

15 March 2007

Scots Dr's in Diet Breakthrough

Picture: Mrs Mary McGlumph celebrates the success of the new diet which Scots doctors have developed.

Scots doctors are celebrating the success of a new diet and exercise regime developed at the University of Maryhill, Glasgow.

Fish Oils

The diet which has been under development for five years is based on the traditional Scottish diet and involves the consumption of copious amounts of Iron brew and "fish suppers". The doctors claim that the fish oils in the diet are the main key to its success.

Dr Jinty McMcMucksen, Head of the Dept of Nutrition at Maryhill University, said;

"Ye ken frae her picture that wee Mary is jist a wee slip o' a thing noo. Its all doon tae frying the Fish suppers in lard 'n gettin rid o' aw thae new fangled vegetables 'n that."

Diet improves sex life

The regime developed by the doctors also included a requirement for regular exercise involving a technique called "one legged leg push ups". This is demonstrated by trim Mrs Mary McGlumph in the accompanying picture.

Mrs McGlumph says she is delighted with the results and that her sex life has improved as well.

"Oor Tam disnae bother asking for sex noo cos he says I'm tae skinny so he's taken up wi' that fat slag doon the road which suits me fine cos I'd rather watch the telly."

Mrs McGlumph who is 21 says she has lost 1st 3 oz during the five years she has been on the new diet exercise regime.

13 March 2007

The Highland Games: Tossers and shoogling.

(Notice that this man has an unusually large caber. Scotsmen are famous for the size of their cabers and must toss them regularly)

The Highland Scotsman takes three things very seriously, drinking whisky, religion and taking part in the Annual Highland Games. (Oh and Shinty of course but we'll look at that another time)

So when the Highlander arrives home in the wee small hours of the morning smelling the worse for drink his wife is seldom surprised when she hears the excuse "I was just away tossing my caber". She must bear this with fortitude for she knows that her husband must be a regular tosser if he is to hold his end up in the annual highland games caber tossing competition.

Highland Games Historical Origins
The tossing of the caber is of course only one of a number of events at the annual Highland Games gathering which is held in each village in the Highlands during the Autumn months.

The historical origins of these games is illustrative of the roots of many Scottish cultural practices. They have their origins in preparation for battle - for the Scots are of course a warrior race who formed the backbone of the British Army as it forged an Empire.

In the "Olden Days" (I use the definition here first set out by McGlump and McGlinty in their seminal book "Auld Scots Folk culture: Before the telly came aboot" Published by McSporran Press 1991) it was important that the Highlander was kept in a state of readiness for battle so that his clan chief ( The big Yin) could call on him at a moments notice. This was then the original purpose of the Highland games.

The other main events at the annual games are hurling the shot and dancing roond swords. Let us look briefly at the role each of these events originally played in preparing the Scot for battle.

Hurling the Shot.
This event is perhaps easiest to interpret in respect of its relevance to martial skills.

First, one must understand that the Highland Scots were, in the "Olden Days", rather poor and not many of the Big Yins could afford to purchase proper cannon to fight the English. But of course without cannon the Scots would have been at a disadvantage in their yearly battles with the English Army so the Big Yins set their best thinkers to try to resolve the problem.

The Scots are famed for being an inventive, practical and mechanically minded race so it was not long before the Clan scientists came back with a solution to the problem.

"We'll tak a wee bit wire and kinda tie it roond the cannonball like this see. Then we'll get Jimmy tae kinda swing it roond his heid and then letit go tae F**k at thae English bastards like."

Problem solved. The only drawback of course was that your average Scottish "cannoneer" could not achieve the distance that the English artillery was able to manage. As a result the Scottish cannoneer had to get close to the English lines before he was within throwing distance. The life expectancy of Scottish cannoneers was as a result not very long.

Dancing roond the swords, 'n kilts 'n aw that.

To really understand the origins of dancing roond swords you should read our post on the Scottish midgie so that you understand the role of this wee bastard of a beastie in the creation of Scottish manhood.

As we revealed in a previous article there is an intricate relationship between the wearing of the kilt, the midgie and being "a man" in Scotland.

Long ago in clan times the Big Yins (Clan chiefs) had to find some way to get their men all fired up for battle. As any Scottish man knows, when you are wearing the kilt and shoogle about this is like a red rag to a bull for the local midgies. The shoogling of the kilt sends a waft of testicular odours out on the breeze and the local midgies home in on this likes sharks on blood scented water. The midgie likes nothing better than snacking on Scottish dangly bits.

The shoogling Scotsman quickly discovers that his testicles are being bitten by thousands of blood sucking midgies and boy DOES THIS GET HIM MAD. He is at this point ready to blame any nearby Englishman ( See the entry on Scotlands second favourite sport: Blaming the English).

So, knowing this, the chiefs began the custom of having their men shoogle around in their kilts before a battle. To give the whole exercise some cover they had the men put their swords on the ground and dance around them. Hence Scottish highland dancing.

More soon.

05 March 2007

Have you slapped the Ned?

One of the delights awaiting the visitor to the West of Scotland is those annoying Ned idiots who hang around drinking buckfast wine and making everyones life a misery. Well as we browsed around the internet we came across a great site where you can get your own back. Just follow this link and Slap The Ned

20 January 2007

Old Joe

Bill has been working his ass off lately and becoming very stressed out. Finally Bill couldn’t take it anymore so he called his psychiatrist and said he was stressed out and fixing to jump out the window to end it all.

The doctor calmed him down and said "Look Bill you take a break, go to my cabin in Alaska I'll make reservations on a flight to Alaska right now."

So Bill took the plane to Alaska.

He was in the town to get supplies when he saw a bar. Bill went in looked around the bar and hollered "Wheres all the women at"?
The bartender said "What women there ain’t no women around here"!

"Gimme a beer" said Bill.

Sitting at the bar he asked "What do y’all do when you want some"?

The Bartender replied, "Oh we just go see ole Joe about that".

Bill said "I can’t do that"!

Dissapointed, Bill finished his beer, got his supplies and went up to the cabin . There he fished and hunted and sang to himself and the weeks went by.

Running out of supplies he went back down to the town and stopped in at the bar where he hollered "Wheres all the women at"?

The Bartender replied "I told you already there ain’t no women around here, we go and see ole Joe"!

Bill ordered a beer and nursed it for a bit then he looked up to the bartender and asked

"Supposing I was,well..., you know.... but I’m not like that! Who all would have to know"?

The bartender thought for a minute and said;
" Five. There's you and me of course. Then there's the two other guys that have to hold ole Joe down because ole Joe ain’t like that either!

From the Jokes Forum at ournet.tv bulletin board