Scottish Maths exam papers

GLASGOW REGION EXAM PAPER

Name...........................................
Nickname......................................
Gangname..............

Q1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine to sell. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?

Q2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at £3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single?

Q3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?

Q4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000on on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

Q5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have?

EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?

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EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION EXAM PAPER

Name..........................................

Rugby Club..................................

Daddy's Company.........................

Q1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The FestivalFringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?

Q2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flatmate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

Q3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as EdinburghCastle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate of Scotland?

Q4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?

Q5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?

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HIGHLANDS REGION EXAM PAPER

Name..................................

Glen...................................

Clan ...............................

Q1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle Estate. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 per acre for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?

Q2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks aTartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take the Tartan Shop to sell him a full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?

Q3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised? (Bonus for 5 marks - If a sheepshagger takes three shakes of a lambs tale to shag three sheep how long does the ram take to mount mary?)

Q4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27 lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!

Fae Shad

Y' ken yer Scottish if........

Are You Scottish?

You know you are a true Scot if.........

1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St, St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.

2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.

3. Yer used tae fowr seasons in wan day.

4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop wee'oot sleverin when yer blootert.

5. Ye kin fa aboot pished wee'oot spilling yer drink.

6. Ye see people wearin shell suits wi burberry accessories - pure class!

7. Ye measure distance in minutes.

8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and ken characters just like him, in yer ain femily.

9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.

10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.

11. Ye ken whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.

12. Somedy ye ken his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.

13. You've been at a wedding an fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel

14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, iron-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.

15. Yer holiday hame at the seaside has calor gas uner it.

6. Ye ken irn-bru is a hangover cure.

17. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.

18. Ye actually understaun this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals .

19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these words;

how's it hingin, clatty, boggin, cludgie, pished, get it up ye, wee beasties, erse bandit, amurny, away an bile yer heid, peely-wally, humphey backit, Ba'-heid, baw bag, dubble nugget.

And finally......

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, whar the butcher has jist came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire.

The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"

"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'.

:-) Thanks to Shad7547 ( and there's mair comin')