08 February 2014

Why filling the big holes in Glenboggle will cost us dear.

For years residents of Glenboggle have had to put up with companies digging ruddy big holes all over the place as they extract valuable Irn Bru ore from the landscape around the village.

Glenboggle has historically been a major centre for Irn Bru ore mining. Deep mining of Irn Bru gave way to open cast Irn Bru mining decades ago after Thatcher almost destroyed the Irn Bru industry on the back of cheap imported Orange Juice.

Despite this the areas reserves of Irn Bru have continued to be exploited by Open Cast mines which still provide some employment. The problem for the area has been that these Open Cast mines are a blight on the landscape and are basically just enourmously ugly ruddy great holes in our beautiful landscape.

Glenboogle Council has clamed for years that locals should not be concerned because the mine owners had promised to "make things nice".

However in the last year most of these opertators have gone bankrupt and it has becme clear that there is no money to fill the ruddy great big ernomously ugly holes in.

Councillor Sporranly McThistlebottom told the Glenboggly Observer;

" This comes as a great shock to everyone. When I was at the World Cup with the Directors of these companies they looked like they were rolling in cash. I didn't have to buy a thing! They treated me to everything. I just don't understand how they could have gone bankrupt !  I'm sure the community will rally round and, if we all get a shovel out, then it shouldn't take more than a few decades to fill in those holes"

Glenboogle Council, after talks with East Ayrshire Council which has also had problems with Open cast mines and worthless restoration bonds, commissioned a report into the fiasco.

After six months of quizzing council staff and councillors the report was published.  The four word report was uniquivocal in its findings -


The report author Mr Scrote presented the report at a public meetng. He was asked to expand on his rather brief report and he said;
"It's incredible that people could have been so stupid".

The Glenbogg Courier has reported rumours that the full report names and shames the whole council as "A motley crew of no nothing moochers and scraff mulchers".

As the farce unfolds the poor long suffering people of Glenboggle are left wondering who will meet the cost of filling in all those bloody awful nasty ugly enormous big holes. Sadly they think they already know the answer.

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